For the week of Monday August 5th to Sunday August 11th
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Whatever you do, do NOT go camping this week. Remember that grizzly bear you taunted at the zoo? Yeah? His friends heard about that.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A mysterious looking man with a long black cape will begin following you on Wednesday. On Saturday he'll ask you to borrow a pen. It is in your best interest to give him one.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Avoid people wearing purple hats. Not that anything bad will happen to you regarding a person with a purple hat, I just think it's a good idea to avoid them, don't you?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Oh I know what you're thinking. I know your mother thinks it's a bad idea, and quite frankly, I agree with her.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be having a run of bad luck this week. But you know, it will all be cured if you wear a hat made of bananas, and absolutely do not step on any cracks in the sidewalk.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The leftovers from supper you had two weeks ago is going to grow a collony of mushrooms which will kill your entire family, and there isn't a thing you can do about it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will win the lottery this week! ... actually, no, you won't. I just thought you needed something to boost your incredibly low self-esteem. Hey, it's not my fault you're a loser.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
While cleaning out your closet this week, you will discover a secret room to your house you never knew existed. Unfortunately it will smell like a combination of rotting flesh and strawberries in there. Ask your neighbor about it, he'll know.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You know that thing you were looking for? It's not where you think it is, it's somewhere else. No, not there, silly, it's over there.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Don't wear those pinstripe pants you bought at the second-hand store on tuesday. People don't put up with that sort of style on tuesdays. On Thursdays, maybe.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Have you ever wonder why your room smells like that? Check the laundry hamper, you'll also find your hamster that went missing all those weeks ago. Two mysteries solved.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
As soon as you read this, you skeptic bastard, you will die.
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